Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
