so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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