My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
