turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
