Who wears a wallet chain?!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
