dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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