she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
