I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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