last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
