fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
