Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
