I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
