I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
