You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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