There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
