sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
