the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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