so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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