U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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