I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
