I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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