how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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