Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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