My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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