Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
