Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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