everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
