1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
