She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
