so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You need a sexual gate keeper
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
