saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
