i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
