I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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