It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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