well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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