I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i out mim tonsoeep
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
