I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
pray to the hookup gods
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
