Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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