I'm gonna have a badass scar
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
