So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
