It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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