i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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