just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
