why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
