I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Randomize
