I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
