Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
