he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
