Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
