Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
