If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
